Raising Magnolias

Right now I’m walking around my house in a pink fairy princess gown.

Really.

I am.

Or I was.

Now, I’m sitting in my pink fair princess gown and writing about it.

I need an evening gown for tomorrow night. I think it’s a pretty fair assumption that I have more evening gowns than the average person. Several are in Arkansas, nut I have 7 here in Fremont.

Seven.

And as it turns out, I’m not the same size as I was in 1995.

My children stole my breasts and short of paying for new ones, I don’t think they’re ever coming back.

I knew this, of course.

I just didn’t know to the degree. In the trying on, home runway extravaganza last night, I also discovered that in addition to my real ones, I was sporting some serious false advertising during my competition days. I pulled out pads that were basically cotton implants.

My friend Jenny just laughed.

We looked out how far the dress would stand out away from actual
Skin.

Far.

Really far.

There are many lessons in this, none that you really need but for Me, trying in dresses say last week would’ve been helpful.

The other lesson is that you are consider breast reduction surgery you should first consider having children and if that doesn’t work,

Divorce.

Just kidding.

I was almost 20lbs heavier when I competed at miss America. I had a nutritionist that let me eat unlimited bagels and plain rice and well, your remember the whole low fat, high carb thing.

I had another storybthatvibwas going to write about. You remember my speeding ticket? Evidently I forgot to out my registration papers back in their rightful place and threw the, away. Which, is really just another reason cleaning out ones car is a ridiculous idea! Anyway, to get car insurance, I need the registration papers so I head to the DMV. Some of you may remember that it took me 7 trips to the DMV to get my original car tags so this is not really a happy place for me. P,us it’s in the same building that I just left my marriage behind in a few short weeks ago.

I’m nervous.

I see a friends husband.

I try to make small talk.

Oh, i got a speeding ticket and I lost my registration.

Clerk looks up.

Still small talking.

I know, and it’s so frustrating because I need to get car insurance.

Clerk: “we need proof of car insurance.”

Oh, right! I have it! I’m just getting new.

Different.

I have a new name, so I need new insurance and that reminds me I need to have him sign over the title which I’m pretty sure is in Sioux Falls and her face goes white.

And my friends husband thinks I’ve probably been drinking.

For the record, I haven’t.

But then she starts to ask all of these questions about insurance and names and vin#’s and she finally relaxes enough to let me leave and I hand her a credit card and she says, i can only take cash and she thinks she has me!

She thinks, now I will have to leave but I was so excited!

And ready!

And it’s the little things!

“I knew you were going to say that!” I said a little too loudly.

I have cash.

Uhm, ok. Great. I will take your cash.

And the paper work and the names and the addresses and the insurance and its the funniest of things that will take my breath away and today it was paperwork and insurance and I cried out to my insurance friend and then I tried on dresses that I used to wear, that I used to love, that were part of my yesterday life and I thought, ok! What the HALE!

Nothing fits! It never really fit!

Out with boobs and in with the new!

Not new breasts, ya know, a whole new life!

That fits!

Motherhood fits!

This home fits!

My career fits!

And today, after penciling a thousand titles around, the simplest of messages came to me…..

Raising Magnolias
A journey of faith.

A title for my book. It totally fits.