Jesus as the Fat Lady
I never know when it’ll hit me. Or even what “it” will be.
It sneaks up and creeps us and I’m light and I’m laughing and I’m free and then—
And the tears spring fast and I bite down hard.
People are tired of seeing me cry.
A friend shares—
“I met (your friend).” I’ll leave the name out to protect the not-even-close-to-being-innoncent.
“Oh. Sure. Yes.
The one who drew the lines.
And I was left on the wrong side.
All those emotions came flooding back.
And the two friends, one new and one from a lifetime ago, I can picture them nodding and agreeing and awkwardly realizing they’re rooting for different teams—and there are no teams—but each acknowledging just how sad this all is.
It’s just so sad.
And yet it’s not.
Getting your life back.
It’s not sad.
I’m not sad.
So. (insert any bad word you can think of) Ready.
I saw the Fat Lady.
She was there.
But here we are, almost 3 months later and she still isn’t singing.
Sing, fat lady sing!
Two years ago. This month.
And 10 years ago. This month.
And I suppose 5 years before that.
Sing, fat lady sing!
I’m reading a book on the meaning of marriage by Timothy Keller.
Reading this book is healing and helpful.
Keller quotes Jesus on the issues of marriage.
A radical concept, I know!
And I am blacker than black and red-er than red and it Jesus who makes us white as snow so I know I stand in no place to judge, but come on Christians!!
If you’re going to quote Jesus, and lecture me on the laws of God, please make sure you know Him first.
Make sure you read him first.
When I talk about the hurt of lost friendships, my family runs to me.
“They were never your friends.”
Fake? The whole time?
But as I read about Christian friendship, it turns out they were right.
Keller writes that Christian friends are to “bear each other’s burdens (Galatians 6:2), and be there for each other through thick and thin (1 Thessalonians 5:11, 14-15).
They were never my friends.
As I continue reading Keller’s thoughts on the essence of marriage, the meaning of marriage, and the mission of marriage, I find (and I don’t say this to be hurtful), I find that–
Was never married.
Wore the ring. Took the trip. Got the name.
But marriage? This thing called marriage that Keller writes about?
That Jesus writes about?
I know nothing of that.
And it’s hard to read.
And it’s healing to read.
And it’s hopeful.
We go back for another court hearing later this month. My prayers are that we can enter back in with soft and humble hearts and admit the failure and defeat and bury the dead and let it rest.
My prayer is that we can enter back in with soft and humble hearts and remember that God makes beauty from ashes and He is the giver of every good and perfect gift.
My prayer is that we can enter back in—not into court—but into life with soft and humble hearts and remember that God.
Is the Great Redeemer.
He is also the Great Reminder because as I write it “occurs” to me and by “occur”, I mean I’m being nudged by the Holy Spirit and this is what I know.
I don’t need the fat lady.
And I don’t need her song.
I don’t even need a legal document (although, admittedly that would be super helpful in getting my name back).
I just need Jesus.
He stood in my place.
And He is the one that declares.
“It is Finished.”
I went back to the court-house today.
I ran into an attorney that I saw quite often last spring and he looks over.
“I’m back.” I say.
“To pray?” He asks.
“Yes. To pray.”
“You mean it’s not finished?”
I just shook my head. But I wish that I had been braver.
I wish that I had been bolder.
I wish that I had said.
It is Finished.