I Believe. Lord, Help My Unbelief.
Friday night I went to hear a friend sing. I expected a large sanctuary with lights low and dim but what I walked into was a small fellowship hall with flourescent lighting and seats packed-tight.
I only mention the lights because it was Dad’s Friday night and it was Christmas music and Rachel’s music and yes, I only mention the lights because I knew there would be tears. And there were.
You know, just a few.
Already established— I’m a crier. Also established, not a pretty crier. And did I mention the lights? Bright and flourescent?
Rachel spoke of being the sons and daughters of Christ. Of being adopted into the family of God. She talked about her journey of knowing in her head and knowing in her heart.
It’s a different kind of knowing.
And then she sang.
Time out—did you listen? I will know if you don’t listen! 🙂
Seriously, go back and listen.
She sang, we have all we need. We have all.we.need. And yes Lord, yes, yes ,yes! I know that.
In my head.
But how to find the heart-knowing.
Our Pastor spoke Sunday of Abraham and Isaac and obedience and idols and in the re-telling of the well-known story, he says this of Abraham: “He speaks better than he knows.” He’s referring to when Abraham answers Isaac with, God will provide, but Abraham’s answering for the burnt offering; he’s speaking of the light, of the spark and he doesn’t know that God.Will. Provide.
I shouldn’t even try to retell that because I’m pretty sure I just butchered it yet I think it fits. And today that is me. I speak better than I know.
I have all that I need. Pretty easy to say; to speak.
Harder to live.
A very dear and strange and beautiful friend of mine used to say, “fake it till you make it.” He was spiritual and deep and a little on the new-agey side. He had this massage parlor and I can remember all these candles and incense and crystals and he was like no other person that I’ve ever known and I smile out loud when I remember him. (Did you know you can smile “out loud”? ‘Cause you can). And as strange as I thought he was, I think he was equally baffled by me. He thought I was judgy (is that a word?) and uptight (can’t imagine where he got that idea) and one day he said to me that I should get a massage—you know, to help me become more “body aware” as I competed for Miss America. Uhm, heck no! Not from him; not from anyone….I mean I wouldn’t even let the college boys touch me (not that any were trying, whatever) but I sure as heck-o-la wasn’t going to pay for a massage so someone could find all my cushy, wobbly bits.
Wait, that sounded so wrong and why am I even telling this story? Oh, yes, he thought I was uptight.
No, that wasn’t it. I mean, I am uptight. But I’m working on it.
Working to let go.
I even used “wth” in a note to my attorney the other day as part of my new “look how un-uptight I am” policy and I thought he would be so proud of me and instead he wrote back and said—
“I don’t know what ‘wth’ means.”
So I’m guessing that I used it wrong. Anyway.
OK, seriously,why the story? Oh, wait, now I remember. This friend of mine, who passed far too young, would have these words; these knowing words and he had mastered the heart-knowing and he would send me notes that would say, simply, “Shine” or “Sparkle” or “Fake it till you make it.”
And I wish he knew how many times during the past year, I’ve had to fake it until I made it.
And I am making it.
If you think about it, it’s actually quite biblical. Well, sorta.
“I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.” ( Mark 9:14-27)
I have Jesus. My children have Jesus. We have all we need.
I believe. But, just in case Lord, help my unbelief. Help me fake it until You make it what you want it to be; fake it until You make me what you want me to be.
Fake it until what’s in my head find its way into my heart.
I believe. Lord, help my unbelief.